Girl Dating

I've never really dated. I kind of went from my high school boyfriend to dating a guy who was already my friend to dating (and then marrying) my best friend's brother. So I've never really had to be involved in the whole courting thing. I always thought that I was lucky but I think it left me completely unprepare for something much worse than dating: friend courting. Moving to a new city is fun and exciting but it also leaves you without any close girlfriends nearby and making new friends is not an easy endeavour.

I am reading a book right now called "MWF seeking BFF". Hilarious title, right? It's a memoir of a woman who moved from New York City to Chicago and vowed to go on 52 girl dates in a year in order to find a new best friend in her new city. When I heard about his book I had to get it because it totally struck home. She talks about how it's not actually that hard to make acquaintances if you're a half-way friendly person but it's so hard to take it to the next level where it becomes an actual friendship. The writer of the book is recently married and has no kids so her situation is a bit different than mine but the idea is the same.

Being a mom has made it much easier to meet people in a new city. People are much more likely to talk to you if you have kids with you. I have also met lots of moms with kids Asha's age so I have no shortage of acquaintances around town. It helps that Asha is insanely outgoing. Whenever we go to a park, Asha usually finds the girl closest to her in age and immediately befriends her. I've even seen Asha effortlessly bust into a group of established friends. It's amazing to watch. So I often end up chatting with the other kid's mom which sometimes results in an exchange of phone numbers and a "they should have a playdate some time" send-off.

The thing that I find hard is that just because our kids play together it doesn't mean that the mom and I will have anything else in common. Sometimes the child is lovely but the mom is wierd. Sometimes the mom is lovely but the child is wierd. It's also hard to actually make that next move. I feel wierd phoning someone up and saying "Remember me? The Canadian from the park? Wanna play sometime?". It feels a bit desperate.

The closest I've come to a friendship has been with Catie. Her daughter was in summer camp with Asha and she has a cool casualness about her that I like. Her two daughters are almost the exact same age to the day as my girls. Our kids even have similar dispositions (the eldest are outgoing and strong-willed and the youngest are quiet and easygoing). Another nice thing is that Catie has lived in L.A. for less than a year so she doesn't have a super-established social network yet. I always think that people who have lived here for a long time already have friends so why would they want to befriend me?

Well our kids have had many playdates and it's now the sort of situation where I can just call her up and say "we're going to the park. Wanna come?". I even house/dog sat for them when they went back east to visit family. The trouble is that we aren't really friends per se as much as fellow moms. We've never hung out without our kids. Another problem is that Asha and Catie's eldest, Jayna don't actually seem to like eachother. When they play at eachother's houses they generally just fight over toys. When they play at the park they usually find other kids to play with. Apparently two outgoing, strongwilled four year olds is a bad combination. I'm not sure if Catie hasn't noticed this or if she's just choosing to ignore it like me. I think we're at a point now where we need to decide if we're friends independent of our children or not. I feel like I would have to put myself out there and ask her out on a girl date! What do I do? Ask her out to dinner?! Somehow asking a girl out is way worse than asking a boy out on a date (not that I've ever done that).

It's similarly wierd with the parents at Asha's school. Most of the kids in Asha's class were in school together last year so they all know eachother well. Asha, of course, has seamlessly fit herself into this situation. The parents are all very nice and friendly. We've been invited to the park and the beach several times by other parents. The thing is, several of the parents are also friends independent of their kids. I overhear them talking about dinner parties that they've had over the weekend. How am I supposed to bust into that situation?

This brings me back to the temporariness of our time here. Is there any point in asking Catie out on a girl-date if we might move in 3 months? It's not like I don't have any friends they just happen to be scattered all over the place. I've managed to hang on to at least one person from each of my stages of life. Those are my lifer friends who will never get rid of me (you know who you are). Maybe it's enough to have the lifer friends who I can call whenever I need them and then a bunch of acquaintances who I can have the daily not-so-deep interactions with. Or maybe I'm just to chicken to ask Catie on a girl date or chat up one of the other parents from Asha's class.

Or maybe I just need to take a page from Asha's book. When she gets to the park is she thinking, "That girl has lots of friends already. She doesn't want to be friends with me."? Yeah right! Is she thinking, "We might be moving in 3 months so what's the point of starting a game of tag."? No way! Asha has actually been openly shunned by a girl and it didn't phase her one bit. The girl actually said "Go away. I don't want to play with you". I wanted to tear that girl limb from limb and hollar at her mom for raising such a mean child. Asha persisted for a while but then moved on. I guess it's one more thing on a very long list that I need to learn from my daughter. I will one day turn this list into a book entitled How to Live Like a Preschooler. It includes taking naps, getting really excited every time you see an airplane, and splashing in puddles. It'll be a bestseller!